Please pray for me!

I am totally, emotionally fried...and close to feeling that way physically as well. The surgery last week and the "emergency" this week were certainly difficult and emotional, but I got through those. I guess everything is just cumulative and the stress of it all can really wear you down when you feel under attack.

After two difficult days, we were so relieved to leave the hospital. Of course, none more than Esther Marie who was waving bye-bye quite a bit as we pulled her in the little wagon through the hallways to the elevator. She seemed to be doing fine, along with the rest of our kids, who were with us at the time. As we left the hospital, everyone seemed happy and content, so on the way home, we stopped by Sam's to pick up a few, much-needed things.

After getting home, the kids had homework to finish, Joshua needed a bath, he had a few birthday phone calls and we needed a light supper. Have you ever been running behind and looked up at the clock only to wonder where the time has gone? Well, this was one of THOSE nights! It was nearing 10:00 and no one was in bed...so that added to my stress level. Finally, we got them all off to bed..and just as the last older child was going up, Esther Marie woke up screaming....sigh. She had been fretting quite a bit earlier in the evening and indicated she wanted to eat, only to spurn it all after a few small bites. We gave her more medicine for pain and she fell asleep.

So back to the crying....Jasper went upstairs to console Esther Marie and it didn't work. He said she rolled and screamed and cried and thrashed about...wanting to be held, only to fight against him to be put down again. He finally brought her downstairs and she screamed and cried for an hour....Jasper holding her at first and then me for most of that time. She didn't want me at first...I had to just take her from Jasper's arms...sigh. I did all sorts of things to try to get her to stop crying and feel secure.....looking at a book and singing seemed to be helping. I can tell that she is mad at us or something....probably in her mind we are the ones that let others "hurt" her...just when she was starting to bond with us and trust us. Now I can see we have fallen a few steps backwards in that bonding process, and we are going to have to work on building her trust again.

Just as Emmie started to settle down and stop wailing, MaryAlyce started screaming up in her room! She can pitch one dandy of a fit...that's for sure...and tonight she decided to really let it all hang out, so to speak. Jasper couldn't console her and Esther Marie was getting quite upset because of sissy's crying.....sooooo, we swapped children. I spent another hour trying to console MaryAlyce and help her to feel secure....and also trying to get her to calm down from her fit that she was having.

This is the way it goes many nights in our house, sometimes night after night. I am sitting here like a zombie and it is after 1:00 a.m......and I still need to review some things for the kids so I can send their "purple folders" back to school tomorrow. Sometimes I am stretched so thin, I feel like a total failure as a mother.....I guess tonight is one of those nights. If you could pray for me, I would really appreciate it. That ole devil knows my weaknesses and insecurities and he knows I am tired and vulnerable. I just feel like he is hitting me below the belt with all he has to give...and knocking the wind out of me. Being a mom to four beautiful but very complex children is certainly worth all the effort, but sometimes it is SO hard! Thanks for listening...and thank for praying!